Despite all the sidewalk finds and making crafts, the urge to shop has been growing stronger lately. Some of it is habit — July is a major sale season. I’m sure the impulse to buy things is driven by anxiety (retail therapy).

I admit that when I can’t sleep or when it’s too hot to do anything but sit in front of a fan, I will distractedly online window shop, filling my virtual cart with things that I don’t need and can’t really afford.

And I will repeat this mantra (I don’t need/can’t afford) but the two conflicting emotions  are causing great stress. I mean, I have complicated feelings about everything these days. Am I doing enough to support others who are suffering in this pandemic/economy/unjust society and all its systemic racism/homophobia and misogyny? If we eat in all the time are we putting restaurants out of business? If we order takeout are we putting food workers/delivery people at risk?

Wouldn’t pulling the trigger on a nice new coat or a nice jacket provide a double hit of (momentary) joy? Once when you order it and again when it arrives?

Here are some garments I’ve got my eye on. They are all clearance items from late winter/early spring so I rationalize wanting them because even though I have the perfect summer wardrobe,  these would be investments for fall, winter and spring.

The other conflict I have is that I should really be supporting local stores and designers instead of fast fashion houses. And I’m mainly a second hand gal, but online thrifting is difficult for me because of sizing issues. Yet the top row jacket and pullovers are all from Reitmans. The second row is a mix of JW Anderson x Uniqlo and Old Navy. The last row are all Pennington’s. I know how their sizing works and am comfortable shopping online with them.

(I don’t need/can’t afford anything new)

My insides are churning with practical and ethical contradictions. My outsides just want these clothes. If you have similar feelings, I will not shame or judge.